It's been really hard to get out of bed lately.
Have you ever been there? It's this place where you'd like to sleep for a while, just long enough for this season of sadness to pass and then when you wake up...you're just...okay. And then maybe a little while after that you'll be more than okay, but honestly anything would feel better than what if feels like...
right. this. moment.
I think its called depression, but who needs labels. There's different levels and it's not one size fits all, but I will say it seems to just creep up on you. Once you're low....digging out of the hole seems harder and harder.
You've got plenty of things going on, activities to consume your time with, and friends to tell you you're awesome, even though you know they wish you could snap out of it. Therapy helps, if only to remind you that you're not crazy. You might even try essential oils before popping pills to lift your spirits. You've never been here before so how do you know what will work best?
But you do know, you have to get out of bed, and that's the hardest part.
It's when you wake up and all you can think about is that one thing you're dying to stop thinking about, but you're stuck. Like a record that skips on the same verse, over and over and over.
The replays. The reminders. The what ifs.
You tell yourself, five more minutes. I'll just lay here for five more minutes. Give myself a pep talk, and off I'll go. But five turns into 10 which turns into four hours and two documentaries on The World's Most Dangerous Animals you found on Netflix.
Another day slips past you and it's almost as if your dream of sleeping it all away is working. Even though you know it's not because you're not actually getting better laying in that bed, you're just sitting in the sadness, marinating in your bitterness that things aren't different.
THIS IS NOT HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE, you scream in your head.
The best part of all of this is that you NEVER thought you'd be here.
Not you, you're strong.
And right now you're just... surviving.
Have you ever been here? Do you know what I'm talking about? Isn't it just the worst?
Yesterday I googled inspirational quotes for hours for a "pick me up."
"It's not about being the best, it's about being better than you were yesterday."
"Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."
"Experience; that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn."
Then I re-read every passage of scripture I've ever found strength from looking for that same breath of fresh air I got the first time I mulled over the words.
"Whom have I in heaven but you, and there is none on earth I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but you are the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73
"Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest." Matt. 11:28
It helped, don't get me wrong, but I still can't snap my fingers and make it stop hurting. Trust me, I've tried. Mind over matter, they say. Well my mind is my worst enemy so good luck.
It's in these moments that you come face to face with the raw reality of who you are and how you got here and my God does that hurt. Because if you're honest you probably slap a metaphorical filter on yourself every day of your life until you can't anymore, and you just have to deal with your own poorly lit reflection.
Silver lining, I'm sure there is one. I'm sure it gets better and at least most of the wounds heal. It all works out one way or another and I have to believe the end result is what is best for the soul. Hopefully the scars are pretty and it doesn't take too long for the pain to be a memory, but until then....
Wake up. Roll off the covers and put your feet on the floor. Take a deep breath, because it's going to be hard. Just get out of bed.